A Letter From The New Yorker

New-YorkerDear Mr. MacLean,

We regret to once again inform you that The New Yorker Magazine will not be using your poems or short stories in any upcoming issues. We recognize your clear commitment to the world of literature and we understand how difficult it is to write truly creative and original fiction. We do indeed admire your steadfast determination to progress as a writer. However, in our professional opinion, you are simply wasting your and, more importantly, our time.

For instance, this is the fifth week in a row that you have submitted the poem “Ass Dicks.” Although the aesthetic experience of the poem is quite phenomenal in the sense that the reader does feel as though they are directly in contact with colons and penises, it is not an experience that we would ever knowingly force upon our readers. Furthermore, we refuse to publish any piece of poetry that, however ironically, contains a subtle congratulatory nod to Joseph Stalin for winning the American Civil War. Although we understand the artistry of your deeply convoluted and nonsensical metaphor (which you have assured us has more to do with Stonewall Jackson than Joseph Stalin) the editorial staff at The New Yorker unanimously feels dumber for having read it.

Moreover, it is with deep regret that I inform you that your collection of short stories “Handicapped Lesbians” is never ever going to be published in our pages. Not only is it offensive to people with both physical and mental handicaps, but somehow you have written a short story prominently featuring lesbians that is completely devoid of sexual titillation. We believe that this might have something to do with your penchant to use the adjective “sand-paper like” to describe almost every single physical feature of each character. Even Blitzen the one legged, blind, lesbian’s face is described as “sort of like sandpaper”, which is difficult to fathom considering that Blitzen is later identified to be a St. Bernard.

Finally and most essentially, stop sending us your nude pictorials. They are beyond disturbing. At the New Yorker office we actually pulled straws to determine who would write you this letter simply because none of us – and I truly mean none of us – wanted to describe your naked form. Let me begin simply; it is like someone collected the worst features imaginable, purchased some sort of industrial diamond maker, and literally squeezed all the horrible things in the world together to make a single human figure. For the longest time, we were unable to determine whether the things on your back were nipples or slices of salami. We were, of course, horrified to find out that your back was in fact your face and the nipples your eyes. Please, for the love of all that is holy, abstain from sending us these photos. At one point, I could quite plainly feel my eyes bleeding. It was an overwhelming experience.

Best of luck,

Jonathon Towers
Content Editor
The New Yorker

Article By: David MacLean
Read More Articles

Comments

  1. you mother fucker this is insulting and what i would do if my magizine was asked to publish that kind of shit… DONT reditt if you cant do something slightly funny, i never even laughed at this.

    • Lmfao! This is the funniest fucking reaction I’ve ever read!!

    • Jakob Schmidt says:

      Shity Dick: Insulting? This guy is clearly wasting their time with this crap and it is clear that he enjoys and even gets a boner from their rejections. Sad people are everywhere, and this guy is just another one. The rejection letter is humorous and sarcastic, but not insulting.
      The fact that you have now wasted my time reading your stupid ass comment and forcing me to write this comment, is even more insulting.
      Oh, and I bet you´re ugly as well

    • Hahaha oh Shitty Dick, you’re the dumbest man alive.

  2. Wow. I think you’ve found the only remaining editor on the planet that writes customized rejection letters. Lucky you.

  3. I can’t even remember the last time I’ve laughed this hard, if I ever have.

  4. jesusvsterminator says:

    dont ever listen to shitty dicks. they only hang with assholes and call everyone pussies

  5. I’m going to point out that the author of this post and the target of this rejection letter is the same person. It was still very funny.

  6. My office is going to think I am having a stroke, I am laughing so hard I can barely type. Love it.

  7. BananaCupcakes says:

    Totally worth delaying an assignment to read this. This is one way to get publicity for your ‘material.’ ROFL

  8. Mmmm. I haven’t nor do I care to read what you are referring to, but the first thing that came to mind was…methinks ye protests too much.

Trackbacks

  1. [...] NOTE: Recently, a friend of mine shared a link purporting to be a rejection letter from The New Yorker to a persistent author. The letter seemed unduly cruel until I realized that the rejected author has submitted a poem called “Ass Dicks” multiple times. What a great title! I’ve stolen it for this poem, which owes its existence to that rejection letter. [...]

Leave a Reply