Recently I have become aware of a vile rumour floating around the internet and popularized by major social content-aggregator’s Reddit, Digg, and StumbleUpon. At this time, you have – no doubt – already heard someone you know whisper something about my “odd paternity”. As much as it sickens me to have to honour such obvious slander with a response, I have decided to post this article to clear my name and the reputation of my family. Below are five reasons why – despite popular opinion – I cannot be the son of Hollywood film star Michael Douglas.
1. My Father is My Father
Immediately upon hearing the allegations that my Adonis body, snappy intelligence, and devilish moxie evolved from the fetid swamp of Michael Douglas’ disgusting testicles, I approached my biological father and asked him to publically state that he was indeed my dear papa. However, my dad – a private fellow who is oddly distrusting of his own son – asked me not to publish his name or any official comment. My father’s lack of interest in the allegations saddened me greatly and has led to even more insidious claims that I am, in fact, Michael Douglas’ son. Although I respect my father’s privacy, I have decided to post an image of him below so that you can see our obvious resemblance.
2. My Mother is 5’ 1” Tall
It is common knowledge that Michael Douglas is a horrible, some might say reprehensible, height bigot. When asked how he felt about his former roommate and petite actor Danny Devito’s recent success on FX, Michael Douglas stated:
“I’m sorry, but I refuse to talk about anyone that is not a real human. Actually strike that, I will comment on that revolting half-being… now, I don’t want this to seem out of context but Danny Devito’s parents should have thrown him down a well…and then filled that well with poison. Shaquille O’Neal! Now, that’s an actor!”.
Obviously, Michael Douglas’ broken views on human character would have kept him from feeling at all attracted to my tiny mother.
3. Michael Douglas Seems to Not Know who I am
After a week of public flagellation at the hands of the internet, I decided to reach out and call the vile Douglas himself to plead that he clear my name. When I asked him to publically state that I was not his son, he honestly sounded like he had never heard of me. Although Michael Douglas is famous for passive-aggressively undermining the egos of his betters, I honestly believe he was unfamiliar with my collected literary works and general existence.
4. Michael Douglas’ Genitals are Grossly Malformed
Having recently been forced to bear the brunt of a disgusting rumour, I feel somewhat guilty in contributing to another. I recognize that Michael Douglas – as universally despised as he is – should still be awarded the right to privacy. However, I have heard from various sources that Michael Douglas’ genitals are, in fact, as grossly malformed as we all assumed. While interviewing a Malaysian prostitute for a documentary I’m directing titled Having Sex with Michael Douglas is Probably Gross, I learned that Douglas has exactly one triangular testicle, a penis that curves in on itself multiple times, and a vestigial secretory sac located on his right thigh that feels crunchy but makes a squishing sound when touched. Clearly, he is unable to beget young of any kind – especially creatures as fetching as myself.