I think we need to take this debate we are having over whether Vancouver or Toronto is a better city to the realm of internet writing. Initially, I was happy discussing the gross inferiority of Vancouver over drinks, but you were unable to keep your emotions in check. I have now spent the morning picking glass shards out of my left leg and trying to repair my car, which you set on fire in typical Vancouver fashion.
The simple fact is that Vancouver does not even compare to Toronto. Case in point? Ask anyone in Vancouver what they think about Toronto, and they’ll give you an hour-long speech about how vibrant urban life is all about Pilates and staring at mountains. Ask anyone in Toronto about Vancouver and they’ll respond with, “Is that another city in Canada? I think I saw it on a map once — excuse me I’m busy actually working and contributing toward Canada’s economy.”
Basically, Vancouver has a classic case of “inferiority complex,” it says it hates Toronto just so Toronto will turn around, check out Vancouver’s perfect yoga body and mountainous breasts, and maybe decide to ask for her number. But probably not. Vancouver may have natural beauty but it lacks the one thing that Toronto would be interested in: culture. Nothing happens in Vancouver because everyone is going to sleep early to rest for their next morning’s run, which will probably be up some kind of vertical cliff. Toronto may not have the best cultural scene in North America, but at least it has one. This is because its citizens invest in the arts, making it a somewhat interesting city. While there are many inexplicably rich people in Vancouver, they are the kind of rich people who mainly invest in boats and sunglasses.
So in conclusion: Vancouver isn’t all that bad for an over-sized resort town. Maybe gives us a call when you grow up and have read some books. In the meantime, us Torontonians will be busy desperately trying to get New York City’s attention.
(proud resident of Toronto)
So sorry about the glass shards and burned automobile. However, being from Toronto – the town of Sean Desmond, the eternally horrible Maple Leafs, and Rob Ford – you should be used to chronic pain and disappointment.
Personally, I am a little shocked that you are attempting to sublimate Vancouver to Toronto on the basis of culture. Vancouver might be relatively new and culturally devoid in comparison to cities like Paris, London, or New York but Toronto is no Paris. If asked to personify Toronto culture, I would describe it is a thirty-year-old white accountant that is constantly attempting to assure the public that they have hip black and Asian friends. Whatever culture your city yields has quite clearly been wrestled away from New York, horribly misinterpreted, regurgitated, and somehow turned into a television show about rap-stars, confined to wheelchairs, attending public school.
I’ll admit that Vancouver’s greatest contribution to international culture may in fact be Nickelback, but even you would concede that that band is uniquely and groundbreakingly terrible. Further, a vast portion of Toronto culture seems to be founded and wholly perpetuated on disliking things associated with people who like Nickelback (aka Rob Ford’s suburban constituency). In that sense, a central pillar of your culture, in fact, rests on the cultural output of Vancouver’s terrible international music stars. You’re welcome.
You additionally claim that Toronto is superior because it has an economy that produces jobs. Woop-dee-doo. In Vancouver we have something better: innovation. For every severely unemployed 20-year-old in this city (of which there are many), there are at least seventeen 38-year-olds that own multi-million dollar tech companies providing new and innovative ways of purchasing freeze-dried, non-genetically-modified kale and organically grown, free-range, humanely-slaughtered pomegranates. Sure we might have to work as Baristas through to our 40s because our economy is based almost entirely on a few billionaires, Lycra pants, and juice companies. We might even have to move to Toronto to seek out sensible employment. But in the end, we’ll always come back to Vancouver. Why?
Because, Toronto is a cement tomb filled with 5 million people who don’t know the value of a good yacht and who struggle to fit their unsculpted asses into a pair of Vancouver made Lulu-lemons. Poorly-toned asses is something that we Vancouverites just can’t abide.
(proud resident of Vancouver)
Jacob Samuel is a cartoonist, stand-up comic, and Oxford Comma enthusiast. When he is not having used drug needles thrown at him, Jacob draws the webcomic, The Daily Snooze. Jacob’s main ambition is to create as many funny things as possible including cartoons, jokes, and clever endings for sentences. Jacob holds a B.A. from McGill University as well as his iPhone and some mixed nuts. He has many fears.
David MacLean is a writer, stand-up comic, and fish monger. He was born and raised in Vancouver but spent several years in Montreal at the prestigious McGill University. David’s honours thesis explored LGBT relationships amongst Unicorns in the children’s television series My Little Pony. It received a poor grade but was credited as one of the Seven Signs of the Apocalypse. David often refers to it as “my baby.” You can find David literally anywhere as he is in all places at all times.